Britney Spears Dresses Like a Retarded Hooker  —  Pink bikini?  Check.  —  Hot pants underwear?  Check.  —  Ripped fish-net stockings?  Check.  —  See-through dress?  Check.  —  Cowboy boots?  Check.  —  Stupid hat?  Check.  —  Bad wig?  Check.  —  Yup, that retard is Britney Spears.

Boy George held over male 'escort's' sex kidnap claims  —  Boy George is on bail while police investigate allegations that he kidnapped a male escort and chained him to a wall in his London home.  —  Auden Carlsen, 28, claimed he was grabbed by the singer and another man and chained …

LINE FORMS TO LEFT FOR OPEN 'VIEW' JOB; ROSEANNE EARLY FAVORITE  —  A Rosie is a Rosie is a Rosie.  —  Roseanne Barr has emerged as the top contender to replace Rosie O'Donnell next year on "The View," sources say.  —  A rep for Barr says she has not been approached.

BACK HOME, MADONNA GETS DOWN TO BUSINESS  —  Stepping out after a sumptuous dinner, Madonna looks every inch the groomed superstar.  —  Dressed in an elegant beige safari suit with her glossy hair tied back, the singer turned heads as she left Claridge's in London on Saturday night.

Pete Wentz is Super Cool  —  If you're an emo kid and you wonder why you're always getting your ass kicked, this video should give you a hint as to why.  If a dude ever came up to me and wanted to share his tips on putting on eyeliner, I'll be glad to share my tips on how to stop the bleeding.

Andy Dick Gropes Yet Another Stranger In Public  —  In a story that will come as a surprise to exactly no one, Page Six reports that Andy Dick got more than a little touchy-feely with two individuals working at the Snitch nightclub on West 21 Street in NYC.

Ellen: "I WILL Take This Lyin' Down"  —  TMZ has learned Ellen DeGeneres hurt her back over the weekend — and it's so bad that she's doing this week's shows from a hospital bed!  —  The bed will be placed center stage on Ellen's set.  She'll lob questions at Ryan Seacrest and Lindsay Lohan from a supine position.

Diva Richie at MTV awards  —  NICOLE Richie is famous for doing nothing except being a party girl, but she can add diva to her CV after last night's MTV Australia Video Music Awards.  —  Sources told Confidential that Richie was the only presenter who refused to take part in the dress rehearsal, not leaving her dressing room all day.

Pete Doherty Goes to Rehab, Take 322  —  Pete Doherty is admitting himself into rehab, AGAIN.  —  How many times has this guy gone into rehab already?  Do you think he gets a punch card, and after ten punches on his card he could stay at rehab for free?  —  Here's the info from The Sunday Mirror:

Peter Andre has NOT died  —  RUMOURS circulating that PETER ANDRE has died in hospital are untrue.  —  I have spoken to his aides who confirmed there is no truth in the cruel rumours.  —  He said Peter, who was admitted to hospital last weekend and is battling viral meningitus, is alive and making a recovery.

Jessica Simpson's Cleavage Starts the Week Right  —  Well, if ending the week with Lindsay Lohan's cleavage was the right thing to do, then it stands to reason that starting the week on Jessica Simpson's cleavage is a good idea too.  —  Of course, while I applaud Jessica's choice of dress …

Hollywood Bump Watch  —  I just LOVE finding pictures of Naomi Watts and Julia Roberts out and about.  It's always fun to see how much bigger their bellies have gotten since the last time they were photographed.  Naomi was snapped exiting a birthday bash for Penelope Cruz while Julia was exiting her NYC apartment.

The Anna Nicole tapes  —  DAILY NEWS GOSSIP COLUMNISTS  —  Three months after her death, Anna Nicole Smith is about to speak from the grave.  —  On its way to publishers this week is a pitch, based on hours of never-printed interviews, in which the doomed object of desire talks about everything …

Alyson Hannigan has her big `Mother' day  —  LOS ANGELES - "They are SUCH the couple that belongs together," says Alyson Hannigan, lounging on a makeshift patio outside the set of CBS' "How I Met Your Mother."  She's musing over a just-filmed wedding scene involving her character, Lily Aldrin …

And Then There Were 2 on 'The View'  —  And Then There Were 2 on 'The View'  —  This morning, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, the blond girl on "The View" will announce that she is pregnant.  Sources say she is about three months along, which means a birth sometime in the fall.

Britney Nearly Flips Her Wig  —  Driving fast in a convertible may cause the loss of your wig!  It almost happened to Britney, who barely managed to hold on after losing her hat.  —  Seen here, terrified after nearly losing her "Valley of the Dolls" commemorative wig while on her way to a dance rehearsal …

It's A Tribeca Reunion  —  Angelina Jolie and her brother James Haven were reunited at the Tribeca Film Festival over the weekend.  The occasion?  James Haven took part in the documentary, "A Place in Time," that she directed.  Jolie also enlisted other celebrity friends including Sean Astin …

That Shirt Makes Me Want To Eat A Cheeseburger  —  THOSE BONES!  Oh Nicole Richie!  Please be more cautious when you are choosing your wardrobe.  Here she is with her man at a zoo in Sydney.

A Day At The Beach  —  Heidi, Seal and Co. spent a relaxing Sunday at the Beach yesterday.  But it certainly was no "day at the beach" for the paparrazzi, who got a severe tongue lashing from Papa Seal for trying to take their picture!  Regardless, the family looked like they were having a great time …