Career Climbing, With Claws Bared  —  The pseudo-improvised reality series “The Hills,” as it plays out beyond MTV, on tabloid covers and in nearly every other byway of the modern media, is above all a vicious decimator of hope.  It mocks our hearts; it plays with our allegiances, and we welcome the abuse.

Welcome back to England, David!  Chilly reception for Beckham as he arrives for training from LA  —  David Beckham received a frosty welcome after flying to London for a training session with England today.  —  The football star, who left sunny LA over the weekend, braved the snow for a warm …

Harsh  —  Truckstop hooker, Pamela Anderson or all of the above?  Eeesh.  I now have a face for my worst hangover and that's Pamela Anderson.  I need to drink down an Emergen-C after looking at her pictures.  Anyway, Pamela Anderson put on an old bed sheet to join her ex, Tommy Lee, and their boys at the movies yesterday.

Kate and Owen Use Buddy System for Their Bike Ride  —  Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson spent Easter weekend together in Miami - and this time, the on-again duo were joined by Hudson's son, Ryder, for coffee runs and bike rides.  —  After getting in some sunbathing, Hudson (accompanied by Ryder on one bike) …

J.K. Rowling Admits She Was Suicidal  —  Though she has made no secret of how her life had sunk before her immense success with the Harry Potter series, J.K. Rowling has never before detailed that despondent period of her life.  —  That now has changed, with the author, 42 …

Tyra Banks' stalker arrested and released  —  Former supermodel/reality star/talk show host Tyra Banks has definitely hit the big time- she even has her own extra-creepy stalker.  Homeless nutjob Brady Green, who has been sending Tyra weird letters and packages and calling her for the last couple of months …

Dumb Skank!  —  Wonky McValtrex is in South Africa and she was asked what she thought of the place.  She answered, “I love Africa in general — South Africa and West Africa, they are both great countries.”  —  I expect nothing less from this jizz-for-brains slag!

Oprah Winfrey's Cocker Spaniel Dies  —  Oprah Winfrey's 13-year-old Cocker Spaniel, Sophie, has passed away of kidney failure.  —  “Everyone here is really sad,” a source at her Harpo production company told Celebrity Dog Watcher.  “Sophie was truly part of the Harpo family as well as Oprah's.”

She's Totally Peeing  —  Jodie Foster has that “I just peed in the water” grimace on her face.  One of the only reasons to go into the ocean is to pee.  It's a great feeling.  One of my favorite things to do is to pee near a group of people to see them look at each other in disgust.

Priscilla Presley Victim of Phony Cosmetic Doc  —  TMZ has learned Priscilla Presley is the victim of a botched cosmetic procedure.  What's worse — it was at the hands of a gigolo who was sent to prison for perpetrating an injectable scam on Hollywood's elite.

EXCL: SHH!  Chats Up Maggie G. on Dark Knight  —  One of the surprises from last week's ShoWest Convention in Las Vegas was Warner Bros.' star-studded “The Big Picture” presentation which featured some of the cast and filmmakers of the studio's big summer movies including Christopher Nolan's The Dark Knight.

Celebrity blogger Perez Hilton turns 30; people pretend to care  —  Perez Hilton, the swishy, often blue-haired gossip blogger who has as many enemies as he does fans, threw himself a bash for his 30th birthday.  Dubbed his “Quinceañera (Part 2),” the party included performances …

Johnny Knoxville, Single Jackass  —  Johnny Knoxville is officially on the market.  His divorce has been signed, sealed and delivered.  —  Knoxville, who was married to wife Melanie Lynn for 11 years, is officially unhitched, according to legal papers obtained by TMZ and filed in L.A. Superior Court.

Federline gets caked ... in cake  —  I guess that's what happens when you have to say goodbye to your twenties.  —  BRITNEY's ex-husband KEVIN FEDERLINE took a night off from looking after their kids to celebrate hitting the big 3-0 this weekend.  —  The party took place at Pure nightclub in Las Vegas …